


Miss Americana and The Phantom Prince of Astoria

by rhythmofyourheart



Category: Marianas Trench, Taylor Swift - Fandom, various other bands might make cameos
Genre: F/M, I will add tags as the story goes on, hedley situation is mentioned in the 2018 chapters but very briefly, there is sad scnees, this was redone and some chapters modified
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29580525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhythmofyourheart/pseuds/rhythmofyourheart
Summary: When two souls meet at a Halloween party, unaware of the other’s name, they embark on a journey that takes them through highs and loves, heartbreaks and heartrepairs and many more.Yes, this is a unusual ship.
Relationships: Amanda McEwan/Josh Ramsay, Josh Ramsay/Taylor Swift





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Please note this story will NOT have certain things tagged to avoid spoilers but there is plans to make it semi consistent minus Josh and Amanda getting back together bc that doesn’t happen and Josh’s sexuality is addressed as different in this story.
> 
> This story also has to be redone because Miss Swift released Evermore and Folklore in 2020 and they deserve inclusion.
> 
> NO PANDEMIC. Do not flame me for this but I have a different idea for 2020 for these two.

Unknown. This will be revealed at the end of the story who this POV is from - J or T.|

I've heard the stories.  
I've heard the rumours.  
How did we survive all the hardships we've been through? The stories we've told, the stories we've sang. 

What we've survived, our reputations thrown to the wind. The newfound game for one of us, but the other used to the flashing light of the cameras.

This is the story of us, Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince, or more like the Heartbreak (Phantom) Prince of Astoria.  
\--


	2. never trust a narcissist, but they love me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor comes to a conclusion that she needs to escape and chooses Vancouver.

[Taylor’s POV] _**Late 2013**_. After release of Red and 1989.

Everything was exploding - I could see them making comments about me, I could see all the rumours being thrown. Ever since everything went south, I've been painted as a snake. A villain in my own right and not the princess I thought I was.

I thought that writing about those things was like a open diary, a book of my feelings for the ones I had loved, and I had heard enough. So I decided, what better way than to disappear. 

What better way than to hide from them all, after all this. But, I didn't hide in the city I once lived in. I decided on hiding in Canada, living in one of the coastal cities. To plan the comeback of a lifetime..

For in the death of my reputation, I decided to live, I decided to be somewhere where I could be free for a while.

I wanted to show all the ones who called me a snake that I wasn't going to return their childish remarks. Their childish taunts and schoolyard thoughts as I started looking for homes in the area on my phone...


	3. I wanna know you, amaryllis bloom.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song for the mood is  
> Amaryllis by Shinedown.
> 
> Some songs have been removed bc some decided to be predators in the time since I wrote this so :)

Josh- _**|October 2014**_ |

I thought today we would start sending out the cards, and have the first of many pre wedding celebrations. But here I am, on the night of spooks and ghouls and drunken costume fun, sitting on the floor holding the cards in my hand.

My hand was wrapped around the mouth of a bottle of tequila as I watched the door slam as Amanda grabbed the last of her things. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to speak up, to get her to stay, but I couldn't. 

I couldn't say shit. She was gone, and all that mattered to me at the moment was gone. Even if I loved my dog, even if I had all the friends in the world, nobody could be Amanda, and never would be.

I wanted to find the one that would make me happy like she did - it had been a few weeks since we broke up, and I managed to pull myself off the ground, going to t he closer to pull out the costume. The one that matched hers - the zombie ones we planned on wearing that were an undead bride and groom.

Huh, how funny was it that our marriage was now _dead_ in the water, gone and never going to happen now in any aspect. It was a phantom of a dream that I could struggle to get myself peeled off the floor and stop swallowing back tears, stop wallowing in misery and manage to find something to believe in today.

I managed to grab the costume and put it on, devising to make some changes, make some changes that were against her.

She's _hurt_ me.... so why _shouldn’t_ I add things to it? I needed to do something to help myself feel better and not become a puddle of tears on the floor as I pulled the costume on, cleaned my face up and decided to face the damn world for what it's worth today.

I needed to for the sake of myself, and I did enjoy myself - the drinks helped me feel better. But..... something did happen.... because I swore, there was something familiar in the eyes of someone in a mermaid costume... They looked like their eyes held secrets - things they were retreating and masking themselves from. I could tell from a mile away, this person was a mystery.

I managed to walk over to the person, and I could see the small bird like posture. I needed to get to know them - it was like an amaryllis blooming, this mystery standing in front of me. "I'm Josh-" I spoke up, and the person just smiled, looking at me with a soft smile. 

I swear, she had the sweetest fucking voice, when she spoke. "I'm sorry- I would rather keep things mysterious with new people. I'm hiding from something." Her voice was pure Americana.

I could sense the cutest twinges in it, but I couldn't do much without a name. "I understand. We'll cross paths again at some point. I'm hiding from an ex fiancé who walked out on me." I spoke up, watching the mysterious girl walk away. It would happen someday - I didn't know at the time I would see her again, but at this point in time, I didn't know what to fucking do without a name.

Was I moving on too fast? Perhaps, but when your heart has to be pulled from a vice and a lockbox to feel again after weeks of pain, and to feel love for a mystery, you have to think to yourself - There will be someone for everyone - even if they don't meet or fall in love.

If this girl was the new someone, sent from fucking fate or somewhere above, I would accept that graciously. I just couldn't get that voice out of my head. Deciding to do some research when I got home, I listened to many many local people on talk shows and news shows. I eventually did give up - I wanted to give the mystery her mystery, I just wanted a clue, some sign she did have purpose for being there that night, and little did I damn know, it would happen someday.


	4. can’t get you outta my head..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song;  
> Out of My Head  
> Theory of a Deadman
> 
> —  
> Josh and Taylor finally meet, unaware of who the other exactly is. Taylor receives a warning about Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very important:  
> Phantoms and Beautiful Ghosts are connected.

|| Taylor || 

I didn't know what to think when the guy in what looked to be a zombie costume with faded blonde hair glanced at me, it felt.. odd inside.

I hadn't dated in a year or two after the media had ruthlessly said all of those things, and I didn't feel right dating again at that moment in the party - I was hiding here, building myself up and making sure to come back when I was ready.

I needed to make myself ready for when I returned to the spotlight in a few years, even if it meant letting go of personal relationships for the time being.

But he was.. intriguing. But I wouldn't dare give him my name and blow my cover - blow the delicate plan I had to set up to make sure that this worked.

He had introduced himself as Josh, and I thought for a moment as I decided to calculate my actions here. I had to keep calm and cool, even though those eyes were endless.

"I am sorry- I would rather keep things mysterious with new people. I'm hiding...." I spoke, watching his eyes. You could get lost in them, and from where I stood, he seemed to only be a few inches taller than me. 

He had bright blue eyes that seemed like a endless sea, with a touch of sadness I could see, judging by how the light wasn't in them. He glanced back to me, and I spoke to him again.

I watched him walk away after a while to speak to a friend as one of my Vancouver friends was talking about something going on with "Josh"...

"......his ex fiancé, three weeks ago, walked out on him." Lacey spoke to me, shaking her head and I suddenly felt bad for him. But in my disguise, I couldn't show the real composure.

"Didn't you mention just now he was to be wed?" I spoke, looking at my friend. The air from the open window was chilly as the rain fell outside.

"He was, yes." Lacey knew him, clearly and I didn't want to feel awkward for admitting things at this moment...

Should I tell my newfound Vancouver friend, the truth about how I was feeling like butterflies were flying in my tummy? How I felt like I could flee from the party, and I knew I wouldn't act on how I felt because of my fear?

I didn't want my relationships under a microscope any longer, and I had to keep to myself but I did speak, deciding to say something for once and not be quiet and demure.

"Lacey, I know that this sounds weird but his eyes.." I looked down. "I love them so much, and I like how he conducted himself despite what was happening." I concluded, knowing his damn awful that sounded, but he was after all kind in his loneliest weeks, and I did feel sympathy for him in the grandest way.

"T, you and I both know you can't." Lacey looked at me, fixing the shells on my blue wig since they were falling off yet again. "You need to make sure that you keep it quiet you are in Vancouver. Please don't bring him into this yet..."

"Who is he?" I said, a little taken aback by what Lacey was saying and I glanced at her. I knew for a fact there was a lot going through my own mind at the moment and I needed to say something else to attest the situation at hand.

"You remember that girl you met when you first cane here? The girl that acted as if you were disgusting? That's his ex fiancée." Lacey spoke up, worried for me, but I knew for a fact that I could handle this.

"Is she really that much of a bitch to hurt him?" I suddenly felt horrible inside, knowing full well what I eventually had to do, but I wanted to do something to help him, it was in me to help others for I had a charitable spirit. 

Plus, I may at that moment have been falling for him, but little did I know, I would not see him again for almost a year...


	5. I left you in the getaway car.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song:  
> Getaway Car  
> Taylor Swift
> 
> —  
> I’d rather not summarize this one, so enjoy the surprise!

Miss Americana – 4

Song:

Getaway Car 

Taylor Swift

————

Another note: Lover will exist a year after Reputation because of timeline fixing. Due to some timeline issues, Never Say Die will be BOTH of the Canadian tours to accommodate some events in the storyline timeline.

Please remember the last time Taylor saw Josh, he had black hair.

—-

(Taylor's POV) _June 2015, MMVAs_

I had been dating someone off and on to try to get my mind off "Josh" from the party, and I had thought about him over and over.

I just needed to focus on coming back to the spotlight with a smile on my face and trying to think about this event, and keep myself positive, to make sure that everything works out here.

The cameras at this awards show were snapping away as I had arrived alone, and everyone whispered, oh I could bet they did about everything that I did, and had supposedly done.

I could see the edges of the pink carpet beneath my feet and I started thinking, thinking so carefully to myself. What if I had of told "Josh" the truth? Would things be different now than they used to be?

As I got interviewed, I caught a glimpse of a guy with blonde hair. Then I felt fear and anxiety rise in my throat as I recognized him.

Then I turned, trying to figure my way out without showing that I was having a nervous breakdown in my head. Because that was definitely Josh, and I needed to leave.

Was he back with _her_? I worried about that in all honesty that I was going to just lose out on a chance, but I had to wait as the band was performing tonight.

—-

Just a quick author's note:

One Love is the _second_ radio single from Astoria in the story. They lead with _Wildfire_ going to radio instead in May 2015, and there is a fictional MMVAs performance in the story for Marianas Trench to allow for a certain story event to happen.

—————

I didn't want to say anything to Josh just yet - they were promoting something because they were in the silliest costumes of the speedboat and water skiers.

And for once I smiled because I just thought it was the best I had ever seen, but I knew for a fact that we had to go as the security ushered me towards the area of the awards show, and I tried to look back for a moment without being so obvious in my looking.

It was difficult to think for me seeing him again, and especially finding out he was a musician, I could easily try to understand him through the music, and figure out a plan.

Suddenly, I felt this rush of hope as I walked to the area where I'd watch the show from backstage and then I heard something then _someone_ came rushing in.

"Hide me!" The person exclaimed, and then I saw the head of blonde hair and still in the silly outfit that he had on, holding his suit bag or whatever he had in his hand.

"What is exactly wrong? I don't believe we've met before." I spoke, worried about what "Josh" was going through at the moment as I waited for a response from him and looked at him calculatingly.

"My ex fiancé Amanda is here in the crowd and I don't know what to do!" He exclaimed, standing up and looking at me. He was tall and it might be hard to hide him... he definitely didn’t invite the ex…

"Look, I learned once a upon a time that hiding may be a good answer, but I may have a plan. Is your group performing?" I spoke, going over to bend down snd try to get on his current level which was hiding behind the dressing room couch and try to see what was going on.

"The problem is she has been bothering me to get back together, and I'm _over_ her! I'm happy with who I am right now, and I like someone else! I just don't know the person's name, and I don't want to presume gender!." Josh spoke, looking at me then to the door, still looking as scared as hell and I was scared too.

"I think I have an idea." I spoke up, repeating my earlier comment and looking at him. "Go do your performance and I'll lie about where you are. Maybe we can try to help you find mystery person too." I joked, but then I remembered something about the way he looked at me at the party.

Something was telling me that he was talking about me.... and it was making me feel butterflies. But he didn't know it was me, and for him to find out... was I ready to take that leap of faith and pull him into my crazy life?

I watched him go, and then I heard a knock at the door. I heard her voice. She seemed sweet.... what was the issue with her that Josh was having?... she didn’t seem all that bad…

"Have you seen a tall guy with blonde and blue hair?" She spoke. She seemed elegant - and I wondered as to why he was so turned against her.

"No. I think he's someplace else at the moment." I spoke, I was not one to lie normally but I needed to protect him as he requested. He seemed scared of her.

"Oh, that's fine." She smiled and left, and I realized something.... about how Josh was acting. How similar we were.

He was hiding from his problems just like me, and I had to help him deal with them.... like I should myself. But for now, I needed to figure out how to protect him from a situation he didn't want, and to make sure he left the awards without running into her.

I knew the rumours would start, but I felt an obligation to protect him from whatever was scaring him about her. And to find out the whole story, if he would explain it.

Later, I had heard the door slam and Josh had returned, looking directly at me and then came back over, trying to right back to the hiding spot he was once in.

"You're _not_ hiding from her once you are in your hometown. If I help you getaway, will you deal with this yourself? I hide from my problems too." I said, deciding I would confess to him to make the situation less awkward.

"I wish things had of worked out with her, but her excuse was that I was copying her, or saying things for the sake of things when I came out to her as bisexual." Josh shook his head, sighing as he hugged himself tightly and looked at me, fear creeping into his composure as he winced away from me. He had tears in his eyes when he told me this.

I realized the familiar fear in his eyes, then spoke as I said things in a calming and accepting tone. 

"Josh," I spoke, deciding that it was the time to say something to him and make sure that this was right. "I know she hurt you... I am living in Vancouver in hiding." I bluntly said. I didn’t want to hide from him, but my stomach felt full of tiny butterflies as I glanced to the other. He’s changed… did he not recognize me?

"What...? But how?" Josh said, looking at me with curious eyes as I went to pick up my purse and call a few things. When you're me, you can get your way easily. When you’re the “princess” or the snake in the grass to most people, you can find ways to get people to work for you.

"I...I was dressed as that mermaid." I swallowed back fear, "And you respected my wish, so I owe you. I owe you a lot for it." I could see the light in his blue eyes light up like a lightning bug.

"I... I cannot fucking believe it's you!" Josh exclaimed, then looked embarrassed. He clearly had something to hide, even more than what I said to him.

"Lets just get going and getaway now." I said, looking at him as I opened the door, calling over the security to shield him and say he was sick and had to leave.

It was a good excuse, as we climbed into the awaiting nondescript car and pulled on the hoodies once we got there, I knew for a fact he was going to be grateful for this by the way he felt safe, which he said once.


	6. ill blow this open wide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chap song:  
> Who Do You Love - Marianas Trench
> 
> —  
> Again, no summary.
> 
> I am so sorry about the huge time skip after this chapter, but Astoria and Reputation came out two years apart in real life. Reputation is staying at its year due to timelines. and it's just filler that would be between the two. The 6th chapter of each six chapter saga (1-6 is lead up, and release of Astoria, 6-12 is the release of Reputation and onward).

(Josh's POV) _October 2015, Astoria Release Party._

I was scared about today. The release party was going to be live streamed, and I wanted to make sure people got what I was waiting to surprise them with.

As we last left, I was just not wanting to date Taylor until things died down - we were deeply in love, communicating the whole time as she wanted to make sure that I was well, which is damn awesome.

I knew this was going to be a big deal for everyone, and I had for now, resolved the issue with Amanda - it turns out that she just was feeling like we didn't have closure, and we did end up having closure, I returned both the wedding and engagement rings to the rightful parents that they came from, for now.

I on the other hand had a new journey to start - new beginning and a new ending to clasp together in a wonderful tied damn _fucking_. awesome bow.

I did bring Taylor to the party, after all it was technically the first time we were able to go on a date without the media on our asses. 

"This is super delicate," Taylor spoke to me. "We have to keep this to ourselves until it's time. It's meant to be a surprise," Taylor grabbed my hand reassuringly, even though my damn nerves were acting up. This was our first date, what was I supposed to do, not be nervous around the girl who was likely everyone's dream girl to have in their arms?

"I know that. We have to make sure this is done as delicately as possible." I knew this was fucking scary, but introducing her to my family and loved ones here was going to be a grandiose plan.

As I walked around with her, introducing her to various people, some exclaiming about how happy I seemed with her - I had a trick up my sleeve and so did she, but it had to wait for the moment until it was the right time.

I headed off to go do one of the performances for the stream as I watched her go talk to Lacey, her good friend. I had nothing but everything owed to Lacey - even if she didn't know it yet. I was in love, and feeling healthy after the last disaster ship.

As a sign of amicability and the fact I remembered my ex liking her music, I introduced them to each other. She joked so much about how lucky she had been, and how lucky Taylor had been to get a date with me.

It was a welcome change from the incidents of months ago of scary fights and anger, and the text messages I didn't want to answer, and I was glad for her support. I did want her still in my life - of course, Bennie was once her dog too, so it was mainly for puppy coparents.

I felt a hand tug on my shirt sleeve and looked over to see Taylor, just smiling about something that I didn't know what as of yet. I hadn't looked at the album booklets and had wondered if they were able to change them two months from release.

"Look!" She exclaimed, showing me the copy I got for her - I had given her mine because to be honest, I can get them at any time and it was one of the first copies printed of _Astoria_.

I looked at the thank yous and my heart swelled inside my chest. They'd _fucking_ done it. 

After me begging and begging, and also asking on twitter for the fans not to look at the booklet and not to share the thank yous until release day and after the party, the thank you was there for her. 

It was time to tell everyone the surprise, and I couldn't damn wait. We would have to be a little bit public, yes but I didn't want the fans to think that I had run back to Amanda if photos were taken of us hanging out.

We walked to the room for the last performance of the night and I made sure that Taylor was there and waiting behind the camera for me to call her coward.

"So I have a surprise for everyone, and it involves some damn dirty gossip being debunked. I am never normally public about these things, but screw the media." I spoke up, looking around as a smile crossed my face and then I gave Taylor the signal and she walked to one of the other stools and sat with us.

"The chat room is gonna crash, hurry up Ramsay-" Matt joked, looking over to me as I had a big stupid smile on my face.

"I'm letting her take the lead." I spoke up, making sure that I handed Taylor the microphone also.

"I want everyone to know that I've been so lucky to know these guys for the last few months. I got to know them through someone I care and love very much, and they've been the greatest friends I could ever have." She spoke up, looking at me as her free hand touched mine, the normal pseudo-electroshock going through it due to the fireworks her touch always gave me.

"Thank you." Mike spoke, then looked at her again. "So, what is: the surprise?" He teased, even though they all knew and I know they all did. Even when that one night happened and she was in the studio with us, I knew for a fact that I felt relieved from the pain that inspired Astoria the moment she spoke again.

"I would like to finally deny those stupid rumours. We were not dating, but..." Taylor looked at me, and I felt nervous to speak as I had never been public before with my relationships, but I knew how respectful the fans could be..

"We now are. We have been dating since the day after, but never officially said. We have pages and pages of texts with each other - waiting for the fucking piece of shit media to calm right the hell down." I joked a little, but I felt happy with her, and that was all that matters.

She always called me the king of her heart - and she was the queen of mine. I just hoped things stayed that way.


	7. when she arose, she heard comforting words.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor’s reputation speech.
> 
> No song because the speech fit.
> 
> Some fluff and Taylor reflecting on things.

(Taylor's POV) 2017 sometime.

I just can't believe it's almost been 2 years, once October comes, we will celebrate our 2 year anniversary; and then it will be the best for the both of us.

I had learned some things in the last two years - the last few years of this newfound life, and I knew I had to rise up and come back. 

I decided to write reputation after I went into hiding after the October announcement. People were vicious about the new relationship - not even fans of either Marianas Trench, or me. 

They didn't accept it, and it hurt me inside. They thought I had been using him, as some sort of publiclity stunt, and well... that caused a little rift.

So I disappeared again, back to Vancouver, and to hide with the one I love. But I knew I would get public payback for everything everyone was doing to me and to him.

So I elected to make sure this album was the best, and one of the most honest I had ever written. And one of the songs referenced something we always called each other...

He always called the queen of his heart, regardless of whether we fought - which was normal but he kept spoiling my cats, so that was the reason. 

Of course I was a protective cat mama, but his two - Tux and Anenomie, were kind of just... indifferent to the presence of Meredith and Olivia. 

Eventually they had warmed up to them, and I usually caught the normally - according to Josh, they weren't fond of other cats but each other - intolerant cats snuggled to each other.

I looked at my social media, darkened and logged out as I looked at Josh, who was working away at getting rehearsed for the next tour in January as he had gotten sick in October and they'd had to postpone the tour, and my birthday was the next day.

For the moment, we looked like a matching couple - his hair was now long and blonde, and I watched him rehearse for a moment as I got up to look out the windows.

I could see the snow lightly dusting the trees of the lawn, smiling to myself and thinking how perfect tommorrow would be. I was 30, which was crazy, but the time had flown so fast and I was thinking about the world ahead of me.

I could feel the love whenever he held me, and I felt whole, unlike anyone else had ever made me feel. I couldn't wait to share more years with him - we were headed into year two, our anniversary the October of the next year.

We met on Halloween - and it had been scary ever since, but I will tell those stories through reputation's words , and continue living in the present, for this was why I dissappeared.

"When she fell, she fell apart...  
Cracked her bones on the pavement she once decorated  
as a child with sidewalk chalk.  
When she crashed, her clothes disintegrated and blew away  
with the winds that took all of her fair-weather friends.  
When she looked around, her skin was spattered with ink  
forming the words of a thousand voices,  
Echoes she heard even in her sleep:  
'Whatever you say, it is not right.'  
'Whatever you do, it is not enough.'  
'Your kindness is fake.'  
'Your pain is manipulative.'  
When she lay there on the ground,  
She dreamed of time machines and revenge,  
and a love that was really something,  
Not just the idea of something...  
When she finally rose, she rose slowly,  
Avoiding old haunts and sidestepping shiny pennies.  
Wary of phone calls and promises,  
Charmers, dandies and get-love-quick-schemes.  
When she stood, she stood with a desolate knowingness  
Waded out into the dark, wild ocean up to her neck,  
Bathed in her brokenness,  
Said a prayer of gratitude for each chink in the armor  
she never knew she needed.  
Standing broad-shouldered next to her,  
was a love that was really something,  
not just the idea of something." 

I finished the words on the final touch on the poem months ago - telling the story of why I had dissappeared, and killed my reputation.

It was time for the revival and rebirth as I watched the seconds tick away, hearing my love's rehearsal vocals as I sat down on the bed and started up a live stream on my laptop, greeting my fans and smiling all the way.

This felt like bliss, for the moment, but there had been hardship along the way in our 2 years of relationship, and things we had loved and lost in the course of this all....


	8. heart divides in unrequited view.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song:  
> End of an Era.
> 
> Josh makes it final that he is with Taylor now and not getting back with Amanda.  
> Lots of symbolism.

Miss Americana – 7

SONG:

End of An Era - Marianas

(Josh's POV) _**the next day**_

I had gone to Amanda's house, for reasons of my own doing, Going there to try to reconcile myself to feel whole again, for my heart was hurting, to know I had to do this to my now friend. I know she held on to it, but I needed it back for a special reason. We had figured things out, but I couldn’t keep this with her. Something special that she had that was mine.

It was the notebook I wrote all the songs for her in, I'd handed it to her when I told her goodbye, and I needed this closure. I needed the piece of me I gave her back. It was like a piece of my heart, forlorn and aching in all aspects and waiting to be read again.

“Why should I give it back to you?” She spoke, playing with her engagement ring. Sex been talking and she found someone amazing, someone fantastic that I knew would treat her wonderfully.

"Amanda, please, I need it back. We are vaulting the old album lyrics.." I lied, about my real plans for it, but I needed to figure this out for myself, but she gave me a look of disdain. I knew she knew the truth, as difficult as it sounds, and she knew what I planned to do with it.

"Josh, you had good memories with me. You are /happy/, and I was hurting you." Amanda glanced at me, and I couldn't speak. We had hurt each other too much, and I was happy with my new love, but I could still see the hurt in her eyes.

She felt hurt, and I knew I’d moved on from her completely, but I felt terrible. All the plans we’d made, thrown to dust. The best part of our lives, gone. It was like two passing ships in the night, never to touch again.

"We have to learn to let go." I sighed, taking it from her when she handed it to me, and I did have an actual original of these lyrics, but I kept those in a safe place.

I walked to the Spanish Banks beach with a wooden box with the lyric book I had given Amanda inside - and started just digging at the sand with the shovel I had brought, making sure it was deep enough before I put the box down inside. I knew this was a burial of the past, and time to end what had begun again.

"Our heart divides in unrequited view," I whispered, putting the final touches of sand on the hole. It was burying the past, but it needed to be done. It needed to be finished for my own closure and sanity, for my heart to feel whole again in all aspects of the matter, I needed to figure out what I wanted in life.

I had been with Taylor a year, 2 years almost now - and it was time to put away the old memories in a spot where time would keep them forever golden. I would make sure to come by and visit this spot every time I needed to. I needed to get rid of this notebook.

I was going to hide the copy I gave the long time love I once had, and make a new notebook of the songs I'd write about my new love. It was time to symbolically bury the past, and move on to a new future.


	9. and that was the last time you ever saw me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song:
> 
> Getaway Car - Taylor Swift
> 
> Taylor makes a hard decision.
> 
> THERE IS TRIGGERING IMPLICATIONS - this is the reason for the major character death warning.
> 
> Yes I’ve used getaway car but this incident is the inspiration for her writing the song.

.

[Taylor's POV] **_March 2017_**

It was all too perfect - the Valentines Day trip to the wonderful city that gave way to a huge part of the world. The city that brought upon lights lining the streets and entertainment every night. I remembered that so fondly, we promised one day to visit again, to visit the club we discussed - Luxury? Or something along those lines.

We'd both been successful, in our careers and lives. He was the best I could ever ask for, even if we were as different as night and day. He now had long blonde hair, and he seemed like he was thriving with me. There was always laughter in our shared apartment, we had plans to purchase a home someday.

I could sit there, with him, on the quiet Pacific coast and watch the sun rise. It had been officially been so long, it felt like the sweetest strawberry wine that we were talking about these things. 

Discussing a future as he told some story about his childhood. He explained so many things to me, and my heart was warmed by what he spoke. Josh was my favourite.

He made my world whole again - and I made his world whole again. So why would the next event, tear us asunder and cause something horrible?

It wasn't something that was break up worthy, but I couldn't handle it. It shook me to my very core of my being and I knew very well that I had to consider a lot after the dream I had, which was a downright nightmare.

[[TRIGGERING CONTENT: mention of a suicide, delusions/apparitions]]

  
That night, I woke up in a fog, a hazy fog filling the apartment. I heard a thud and a fall, and I saw someone in our home. Why did Bennie not bark or the cats react?

It wasn't Josh, because I saw the apparition, cloaked in black with the scariest expression. It looked like me.

"Your love is killing him," The demonic me laughed, laughed in my face as the figure in the veil pushed some of the fog away. "Such a pity, was gonna live to be 60. Decided to end it here." I realized what the demonic being meant, and I rushed to find my love on the floor in the bathroom

On the floor, was my love, the love of my life, and he was holding a bottle. I could see the glasses around him, but the x on the bottle scared me. The way he looked scared me.

[Triggering Content Ends After This Sentence]

Abruptly awoken when the hot tears came down my face, I made a choice. I stole away in the night. The phantom of me, scared me. I ran away, ran away from the one I loved.

Yes, I broke his heart, but the nightmare was a haunting vision of what was to come. I didn't want him to poison himself to the point of death, the life gone off his eyes as I tried to not cry sitting on the plane looking at the missed calls.

I left him, like Amanda did. And I knew where he'd go, but I needed my time to feel whole again. I loved the thought of him; but it was killing him inside and the dream showed me that.

I needed to figure this out for myself. I needed tofind myself again and come back to Josh. The nightmare haunted my very soul as I walked through the airport, deftly disguised as my eyes were puffy with tears.

Suddenly my stomach seemed to churn, whether it was with anxiety or an illness I was coming down with. 


	10. if this is just a part I portray, I don’t know how it got this way.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song:  
> Masterpiece Theatre 3 - Marianas Trench
> 
> Happy 12th bday, Masterpiece Theatre!  
> 🥺👉🏻👈🏻
> 
> This chapter is actually part of a important moment later in the story. This chapter is meant to celebrate that being yourself is the best thing, and when you’re ready to come out, you’re ready to come out as who you are.
> 
> This chapter confirms what Josh’s sexuality is in the story! 
> 
> I feel I need to address how that chapter ended.  
> NOBODY is pregnant (yet)  
> Taylor has anxiety from the nightmare and was sick.

[Josh's POV] **_June 2017_**

Wiping my eyes as I walked down the empty street by our home, hand gripped right to the leash as Bennie walked with me, I couldn't stop thinking about how much bleaker the days looked without Taylor here.

She didn't break my heart when she left, she left in a simple way. She left a note explaining what happened, open and honest. And yet my heart still broke.

I played with the headphone in my ear, listening to the songs she released with reputation. Praying for some hint of us, for some hope for us that she would return to me.

I loved her, and it broke my heart, to see her leave over a fear instilled from her from a dream's awful twin, the nightmare.

I sat on the curb, holding tight to the leash as I let out ugly sobs and managed to pull my knees to my chest.God, I hope no one sees me fucking cry. There was so much in my brain, right now, that I didn't want to expel it, my heart hurting as I stared to the sky.

It wasn't just the relationship's uncertainty I was struggling with- I'd begun to question what my heart wanted, in regards to my sexuality. I knew I loved Taylor, of course. This wasn't going to change things.

I had a epiphany - through the tears, I dreamt of an epiphany that I knew exactly where I fell in regards to labels. The pressure _got to me._

_Would people believe me, if I told them what I thought I was?_

_I felt pain inside every day having to grin and bear it when people threw it in my face, playing the act of someone who had only interest in women._

Deciding to grin and bear it, I got up, deciding enough was enough. Who cares if I'm dating a lady? This time, I was going to face the music, and not chicken out every moment.

People deserved to know the truth, and I didn't know how else to do this. I hoped no one sent hateful comments for this.

I've said that I was adamant I wasn't part of it before, that I wasn't part of it. But I knew it was time.

I opened my phone, opening Instagram, deciding to get out something I'd been saving for a long time.

"If it isn't the hair, it's my sexuality. Hoping this gets everything back to the music✌️" I held up the flag across my front, laughing to myself as I did a little dance hoping everyone understood.

I was _bisexual_. I just felt more attraction to women then men, but I'd been attracted to men once or twice and I dated a dude at one point. And I felt proud to do this for myself, feeling joy in my new revelation of myself.

Now to fix shit with Taylor now that I've dealt with this, helping to confirm the comfort of everyone else. I had to discover my truth and embrace it before facing the music with her. I needed to embrace who I was, of course.


	11. please, picture me, in the trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song:  
> seven - taylor swift
> 
> —-  
> This chapter is the inspiration for Taylor to write seven. There’s a appearance by Mike Ayley. ;)

the last part of the past.

—

(Taylor’s POV) _**August 2017**_

“Taylor, it’s going to be okay.” Lacey spoke to me, staring back towards me as I sipped nervously at some fruity cocktail and looked around at the different record label people. I knew well that I had to exit my previous label before things blew up, whispers of sales and buy offs happening.

I had one more album left then I’d move to a better label, and I was still coming back and forth to Vancouver, calculating every move to hopefully avoid Josh for the time being. I didn’t want to face the music, so to speak as I was dealing with much more pressing professional matters.

It had been two months, was he better off without me in his life? Or was he miserable? I shuddered to think he’d done the unspeakable, considering my dream. I was hurting him, and I knew that the dream was right. He seemed dark and distant as of late.

Walking towards the bar, I noticed a familiar face in the crowd of people. It wasn’t Josh, no. He was nowhere to be seen. It was one of his bandmates, Mike. Breathing a sigh of relief, I tried to avoid the bandmate because I knew I’d get blamed again and again for things blowing up. I was terrified at that moment in time.

“Taylor,” I heard a familiar voice behind me and flinched as I went to take a sip of my drink. Heavy security was in the building, considering the level of fame in the room, I wasn’t of any concern. The Vancouver music scene was thriving, and I loved the feeling of the indie feel of the room. It was a refreshing break from what I had once seen in the world.

I turned to speak and saw the aforementioned bandmate. “Yes? Please don’t tell him I’m in town.” I stirred my drink with the little umbrella, and I noticed Mike pull up a bar stool beside me, smiling a little.

“I need your advice on how to ask someone out.” Mike spoke back to me and flashed a smile, and I knew he always had a good aura about him. He was very much someone who helped me to understand some of Josh’s antics.

“My advice is to follow your heart.” Little did I know, I should have been following my own advice as I noticed someone with short blonde hair and a suit in the crowd of label exec, and I knew well what I had to do at that time.

That… that can’t be… but I can’t go on that label. I’d overshadow everyone… including the one I still deeply loved. I had to make a choice then and there.

I got up, arising from the bar stool and walked right past the label exec and went outside to call someone. I made a choice for myself that day, and that was to walk away from the deal that could be presented to me and do something else.

Mike’s conversation with me had me thinking, and I knew very well that I had to speak up. I had to do the right thing for the both of us and say something. I knew that this was the right thing to do and I knew we needed each other. We were not killing each other, others were killing us.

“Josh, it’s Taylor.” I spoke, waiting hesitantly for him to answer the phone as I stood there, waiting to hear his voice. “I miss you and I want to come back home.” I said weakly, hanging up the phone after leaving the message.

I waited outside for 30 minutes, about to call a taxi or an Uber to the airport, giving up on my ambition to try to speak to Josh, when I saw a car pull up and someone get out. My fears arose in my chest, until I felt familiar strong arms wrap around me.

I looked up and saw the blue eyes of my love. The one that I loved so very much with all my heart, and the one that helped me see myself again. I looked at the time on my phone. 7:00 PM, August 7th… a bunch of sevens. I wondered if that would affect anything.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t try to read out,” He said through a choked sob, but we both were crying, the emotional intensity of being back in each other’s arms so riveting, so intoxicating.

I will spare you the details, but we did have a wonderful night together, and it was the best I could have waited for. In the morning, I awoke, stealing one of his shirts and walking to see if he was awake yet.

The benefit of dating him, was that he was a amazing cook. I mean, I could bake better than he could, but it was a good combination. His parents seemed to adore me, his mom’s eyes lighting up every one she saw me when he brought me along to visit her. Now,’we had to figure out the next chapter of our lives like we planned.

Like we wanted to.


	12. I promise you’ll never find anybody like me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song:  
> ME - Taylor Swift
> 
> I hate Brendon so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ this addresses in this world, Josh was the guest vocal!.  
> This chapter is a bridge chapter, bridging together the past and the future.

(Josh) _**August 2018**_

The champagne was pouring and the room was a abuzz with sound as I watched my love celebrate her album release, well we both did. Our first collaboration came out months before, including a fun music video, for a little song called “ME!” That she wrote with many amazing writers including myself and our band’s fame exploded as a result, the band being offered many a world tour with many acts.

It had been two years since she walked away, two years since the worst two months of my life since my final break up with Amanda, and I was estatic to see how happy she was. She was twirling, dancing with her friends, happy to be here celebrating her album _Lover._

I’m happy to say that we’ve been doing alright. We got another cat together, Benji – she insisted we adopt the kitten she loved from the video and I accepted. I loved little Benji too, and I felt like he adjusted well to being part of a family with four other cats. My cats even loved him, which was wild.

I had a special plan coming up for next year that I hoped would work out… but if it didn’t, it would be sad. We were working hard on the followup to _Astoria,_ and working very hard at that. Unfortunately her schedule especially with her touring, was unable to allow her to come and collaborate on the album.

But we made an agreement it would happen someday in the future both our voices would be on a song together again. And that was all that mattered here, watching her dance and be happy.’for the moment ’we experienced bliss.


	13. all you did, was saved my life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song:  
> All You Did Was Saved My Life - Our Lady Peace.
> 
> I heard some things on Reddit about how Josh wasn’t keeping up on his health during Phantoms so I elected to include it.
> 
> This chapter has trigger warnings for:  
> Alcoholism  
> Mentioned/implied depressive episode  
> Josh’s past

(Taylor’s POV) **_January 2019_**

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay with the fact you were pressured to finish this album?” I spoke, watching Josh pace back and forth nervously while Benji tried to attack his feet and Bennie attempted to get his attention. They were both very attached to Josh and I could see why they were anxious with how Josh was acting.

Josh was very anxious and worried to the point he had hidden the lyrics from me several times, and I was growing concerned that he was experiencing a darkness that I could not assist with or help. I couldn’t understand what he was going through as he was stressing out, and I physically saw him grab his hair once, yanking strands of it out as he made weird noises that were unlike him.

“I’m fine.” Josh said, slumping down on the couch in our new home, and I thought for a moment as I walked to the piano to work on a few melodies myself to see if I could come up with anything for a new record.

“Josh.” I said, sternness in my voice. “You are far from fine.” I went to check to make sure he was fine, and there was telltale signs he had a sleepless night again. I was concerned for Josh, even more so with the stress of finishing the album and being on a deadline.

“I might have indulged,” He mumbled. I was tired of this, tired of him shielding himself again as he’d done it before and I’d had to go find him in the yard drinking excessively. He was going down a dark slope and I feared the word that I wouldn’t let slip past my lips, that I wouldn’t speak. I’d been told once about his past and to keep an eye on him if he acted like this again.

  
“Josh, I’m your romantic partner. Was it alcohol?” I asked, fearful of the response, worried about the same thing as I was before. I didn’t want him falling back to his past, and I managed to figure out a way into his lap to snuggle up. I hoped he was doing better! Goddamni.

“Yes,” Josh spoke, and I managed to stay there so I could make sure he didn’t go and get into the cabinet again. I knew for a fact this was the result of the stress, he couldn’t handle the fame that I had and I wish there was a way to change things so he was happy.

He needed to be happy. Would I have to walk away again like all those years ago, and I thought for a moment as I walked into the other room after I’d made sure the alcohol was away somewhere safe. I knew of a way that could make him happy.

I knew a thing or two about songwriting, and I knew he’d had a ambition to do a few songs with me. I decided to start writing again, hoping it’d make him happy.


	14. never again, not before but not like this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter so my:  
> never again - nickelback
> 
> —  
> For the sake of keeping it vague, yes it is obvious who Josh is fighting, it is someone who was exposed as a predator. the name hint is snake.
> 
> Trigger warning because of the fight.
> 
> There is a surprise in this chapter as it is technically the 13th chapter!

[Josh’s POV] _ **January 2019**_ (still..)

“Get. Out. Of. My. Studio.” I saw the man standing in the doorway, familiar tattoos littering his arms.

I knew who it was, trying to snivel up to get back in good graces. “You were banned the moment you got charged, you _pervert._ I fucking know what you said to Taylor too at the Junos years ago!” I was seething, angry as I approached the familiar man.

“Come on, Jo.” He always called me that, he always called me that when we are friend. It was my anger that boiled in all aspects of the matter, my anger that came to the surface after what I heard he did to fucking women. I knew for a fucking fact this asshole was walking around, married, among other things and he got to walk from what he did.

“Get out.” I glared, a growl going to my voice. It was angering me, and my whole soul was in shatters and anger. He needed to leave, NOW. It was no questioning it. I was ready to fight and get myself arrested for dealing with his shit. He was pervy, he was a dick to everyone we knew and the worst part of all? He needed to leave forever.

“I didn’t do shit, I’m getting help.” Excuses, excuses out of that perverted bastard’s mouth. He wasn’t welcome near our hand, we pretty much deleted ourselves from association. I blocked him from the studio twitter because he kept asking to come to the studio.

“Shut the fuck up!” I spat at him, and then there went my snapping point. No one hardly ever saw my temper break, that my temper was vicious and usually ended in someone ending up with a bloody face. Nobody fucks with any women the way he did.

I wanted to get the album done, and this weasel shows up, trying to get back into my life. I hoped what I did next wouldn’t be in the tabloids. I knew what I did next wouldn’t end well for me later, considering it’d be considered illegal vigilantism.

“Josh, no. No no no.” He pleaded but I knew where this was going. I heard the door slam but I was so blinded by my rage, my anger. He’s betrayed our whole band with this… I asked him to stay away from me, and he didn’t listen.

“What? You want me to kiss your ass again?” I sniped at him, and then there went the punch right to his jaw. I was seething; my actions full of rage, as I heard voices in the nearby hallway… Matt Mike and Ian! Shit shit shit…

If they got involved our whole band could be in massive trouble with 604.. I elected to make sure that this only involved me and the snake that I currently had by the throat against the wall, after he’d landed a few punches against me and caused me a few bruises also, and a clearly broken nose because I could feel the pain.

“Next time you show up at my fucking studio, you will walk away with worse than a broken jaw. I am fucking serious. I will call the police and have you arrested. You’ll be receiving a restraining order, and I will make sure our manager makes it involveb our whole band. You are trespassing at my fucking studio.” I fumed, deciding to do one thing and walking into my studio, grabbing a old demo tape. Something we worked on before the allegations came out.

I grabbed it, ripping the tape out right in front of him as I watched him scamper away and my bandmates enter the hallway. They clearly knew who I’d confronted, they knew by my stance and my face in a broken state.

“Did he really show up here?” One of my bandmates asked, but I wasn’t sure who as I was in pain from the injuries he’d inflicted, so one of my bandmates, Matt, helped me over to the couch in my studio. I was suffering and I knew I couldn’t go home like this.

—-

Since this is the 13th chapter, it has a double POV!||

(Taylor’s POV)

Getting the call that the love of my life was currently recovering after fighting someone? I was scared, scared as can be, and I knew very well that it was obvious who he’d fought by what he told me.

I knew I could make this go away, but how could I stop it if the person ran to the cops and said Josh attacked him? Josh’s actions were… right and just in this situation. He was pissed; and I knew that other dude was probably suffering too.

“Josh, we’re not doing this again.” I sighed, trying to wipe off the blood from his face from where his broken nose was. Little did I know, Josh was hiding something from me, something serious and I didn’t know until the next day.

I woke up, going to make myself a coffee and spend some time with the cats, when I heard Josh’s phone ringing. I ignored it, not knowing what it was about, but I was worried when Josh came into the room.

“Taylor..” Josh said, sighing. “The label decided our tour is going to remain in March. I’m sorry we couldn’t do what we wanted.” My heart sank to my feet, hurting from the news. We’d planned… we’d planned for something spectacular in March, that was one of our goals.

We had found this amazing house by a lake nearby and were planning to purchase it, but with Josh not here, and many offers on it, we wouldn’t be able to own our first home together until Josh was done touring, and their tours were usually split by a month…

It was so depressing, after what happened with Josh and the fight, that it was happening to us.


End file.
